Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
