I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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