I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
