That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
