I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
