OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
