Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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