so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
