i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
