So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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