Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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