Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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