hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
