Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
