I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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