That's intense
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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