I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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