I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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