we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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