I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize