i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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