Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
