Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
