Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
