my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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