apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
