alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
