My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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