Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
