Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
