You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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