apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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