That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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