That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
home. puking in laundry basket.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
