Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
