remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
