I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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