I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
