I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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