you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
