Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
