Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
