He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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