We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
