I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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