i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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