Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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