You're my little dorito
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
