I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
