he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Vodka?
Forever.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
