Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
