"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
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its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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