to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
