Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
