I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sober January is a disaster.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
