Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
