Banned from zoo.
Again?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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