if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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